Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Part 4

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

"My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first"

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."