Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Part 4

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

"My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first"

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

Yes We Can

Ok so I know this is like 5 months ago but I really just wanted to hear it again

Mothers Day

Mother's days a mixed bag for me. I miss my own mother who passed away 12 years ago. I'm sad I won't get to see my grand kids today. I love the effort my husband puts into trying to let me relax. I adore the homemade gifts and the memories of past years. I cherish the morning kisses and hugs. I cry over the things I never said to my mom. I laugh over the stories I share with my siblings about childhood. I worry about my sister who I haven't heard from in a year (CARLA if your out there CALL!!) I'm happy for my Friend Heather who's having her first mothers day today. I'm ticked off at my son who won't come out for dinner. I'm grateful to my stepmother who put up with me in my teens. I'm proud of my sister who is a single mother of three (and all you single mothers out there) I'm sulky that I still have to do laundry. I ache for the years I lost with LaRae. I'm mad at myself for not doing better, being better or trying harder. I conflicted about what the right thing is. I'm so very happy I was born a girl. I'm in awe that I grew these amazing people right in my tummy.

So that is how I feel today .... really .... quite motherish :)